Getting My Heels Down

Reluctantly, I've been riding.
Last week, I had a flat lesson with advanced riders and then a jumping lesson with the Cowboy Trainer. Papoose was riding with  the Assistant. I jumped, and jumped okay. Towards the end, a large squeaking semi drove by- Hads spooked. I crouched, listened to Cowboy Trainer yelling to sit up, sat up, Hads calmed down, spooked again, I crouched and sat up again. Papoose called it "Hadley going cuckoo.Mommy leaned, didn't lean, leaned and then sat up" I got a lecture on sitting up...Papoose went on to jump and do a better job than me, even if at one point, her horse looked to the jump because the trainers were pointing at it and took her over. "She's a brave kid," said my Trainer, probably thinking,"Must take after her dad."
Over the weekend, I kept repeating to myself, "I am a capable and confident rider. I am brave." And visualizing sitting up and easily regaining control. I tried to feel like what it would be like to push my seat into the saddle (but not to get him to move forward, as he is dressage trained and pushing down and forward is a dressage cue to move up)- just sinking down firmly.
I reluctantly went to the barn today. I tried playing upbeat, happy music, pushing my rear into the car seat to practice that grounded feeling. I've still been having some back pain, so I asked Cowboy Trainer for some advice- I mean he is after all, an expert. His advice surprised me- he pointed out I could be carrying nervous tension in my low back- tightening the muscles, pinching with the knees. It seems so obvious but it was one of those lightbulb moments- my own nervousness causing my back pain and no doubt making Hadley uncomfortable. I rode with the advanced riders again. We did an interesting exercise of feet out of the stirrups, toes down, toes up, then lift our knees up without pinching, without balancing on the horses' necks. That was super hard, because it is all primary hip flexors- no secondary muscles. I've got some work to do- but so did the advanced riders. Thank you Bar!
We began jumping. I worked on keeping my heels down, my back relaxed and knees not pinching. I rode with Had's rhythm. For really the first time, I could see the distances- the point the horse has to start jumping to clear the fence- and I could go with him. One time, I could see the distance- that it was too close to put in an extra step and we'd have to take it long. In the past, this is where Hads would have stopped and I would have unceremoniously continued, but I just stayed still, and he took care of me- he took it long and big- so big I got a little left behind, but we were okay. "Your horse was brave and you went with him," Trainer said.
But it gets better- Hads spooked at another big semi (it's weird, only some of them seem to scare him).This time, my visualizing helped. I sat up, he came back to me, and the fear and panic that normally wash over me were absent. I was a capable and confident rider. We reorganized and did the jumps (2'3" feet, I might add) fairly well. And my back is a lot less sore.
So I guess it paid off to persevere- I had an incredible high seeing the distances and going with Hadley. It was great to feel capable, competent and confident. I want to do it again- to have that Flashdance feeling again.
Now I remember why I like to ride.

Last Can For Love

Last can, last can, last can, for love (sung to the tune of Donna Summer's "Last Dance")
One week ago, I had my last can of Coke. Yes it had the dreaded HFCS, but it was free from the drug rep serving Walnut Shrimp on my first day of work. Then Bro mentioned if I really wanted to lose the belly, I should give up soda. Followed, randomly by an article in a Zen blog I follow about giving up soda. Tha kind of synchrony needs minding. I usually use the policy if I hear about something from two unconnected sources, preferably reliable, I should check it out.
So that was it. I switched to snooty Pellegrino, seltzer and mineral water. Now I can add that to my holier than thou list. And of course, if I can keep this up, I bribed myself with a Lululemon prize (the cocoon wrap) in three more weeks!!

Hmm, I need to admit that I did more shopping. It seems that Liberty at Target has given me some liberty.  I got some pocket stuff at the Gap, since I don't have a desk,wear a lab coat, or use an easily pilfered purse but need to carry around the minimum MD paraphenelia- pager, cell, pen, small notebook, cash, reflex hammer...I need some pockets. Dark brown cargo pants and  beige safari coat now sit happily in my closet, while all nonpocketed items, or items unable to be matched with pocketed items are in the storage closet downstairs. I think it's my Born Free look.

Riding Angst

I have a riding lesson today. The first one in a few weeks, since I injured myself doing Bar. Oh, I rode, Hadley- walking around, just sitting on him, watching Skylar while Hads got drowsy in the warm sun...I may have even trotted a bit. And I don't mind cantering, Hads has the smoothest canter, ever. But last time I saw the Assistant, she said, "You need to ride, and you need to jump."

So here's the real truth: I donwanna jump. I am scared Hads will stop and I'll go flying over him and break my remaining unbroken ribs. Hubs suggested I take up dressage.

I'm also scared, but less so, that Hads will panic and take off (not that he ever has) and I won't be able to control him. Strangely, I am worried about falling off him in that scenario- I think when he spooks, his fear is so palpable- I feel my heart revv up and feel panicked, too. And we all know what a freakin chikun I am. Hubs, dressage wouldn't solve this issue.

 I'm gonna ride, cause I have to set a good example for Papoose, and my word is Go!, but...any advice, friends?

Oh No You Ditn't!

Liberty of London, a venerable and expensive design house had its much anticipated launch at Target on Sunday.  I was in the midst of the foolishness and mayhem. Stuff that was being stocked as you came in was gone by the time you came back to it. People were grabbing armfuls of stuff. Everything online was sold out. I knew I was going to budget blowing bad- but I didn't. (well, I am making Hubs return stuff in the AM because it was a grab it now, think later kind of thing) At one point, there was a large group of women surrounding the beleagured employee opening boxes. We were waiting for the watering cans, because the teapots were already gone. E spotted the watering cans coming and grabbed the only two in a pretty peony print. A scraggly woman with lots of the stuff already in her cart, marched over and started complaining that she had been there since 8:30 ( it was now 10:30)- how dare did E grab those cans. E pointed out the other cans- Ms Nasty said, "I don't want that pattern."
Meanwhile, E and I noted some design flaws on the cans and decided we didn't really want them. E gave hers to another nice lady who had been chatting with us at the Liberty accessories.
Then Ms. Nasty called E rude.
Oh no you ditn't.
E pointed out that Ms Nasty already had "so much crap" in her cart.
Ms Nasty kept saying she deserved the watering can because she had waited soo long.
Finally, I handed her a watering can and said, "You want this can so badly? Go ahead and take it, and let it be a reminder of your bad behavior!"
Ms Nasty now did not want the can, but I stomped off, dragging E with me, leaving the Target employees looking a bit dazed.
Sweet satisfaction.

Oh, the Drama!

Well after that last email, you must be wondering about how my job went.
Reluctantly, I will admit that it was overall, good. It did freak me out a bit that everyone- I mean everyone- greeted me with a zeal of cult members on a conversion mission. They didn't serve me popcorn and Kool-Aid, but there was a nice lunch and I had Walnut Shrimp and my very last can of Coke*.
So not to dismiss any of my previous worries- did you see that Becks is out 6 months with an Achilles tendon rupture?- but I will own up to being a bit melodramatic.
But you still seem to love me.



*Another entry

Angst: Part 1

I'm feeling mule-ish. Recalcitrant. Irritable (watch out, I may kick you.) The reason is cause I'm starting a new job. (okay, injuring myself hula- hooping then developing Achilles tendonitis and being in constant pain doesn't help) But mainly it's the new job.
Here are some possible reasons:
I'm lazy and work is, well work. Blech.
I don't like my routines changed.
It's change.
I don't know what lies ahead.
Learning the new computer system, billing, pay time sheets, not to mention collegues,. patient population is intimidating. Overwhelming.
I feel overwhelmed.
Maybe they'll find out what a faker I really am.
I have to wear pants with regular, non-elastic waist bands.
I have to walk around a lot and my foot hurts.
I have to get  lots of little things done, like have my ppd read, show proof of my MMR titers, get fit tested for a respiratory mask.
Then there's all the computer stuff.
Parking there is a bitch.
I'm the only one concerned about work life balance.
I'm going to have to ask permission to go on vacation.
Someone else can tell me what to do. Double blech.
I'll have a boss. Very hard for someone whose other motto is "You are NOT the boss of me!"
I have a desk with the residents.
Have I said I don't have the band width to learn two new computer systems?
And I have to do all this in under 10 hours a week? Seeing one patient- documenting, billing, making phone calls, talking to other staff- is at least one hour. And they are talking about adding more responsibilities.
And there is no regular schedule.

Plus, I still have my old full time job: home, Papoose, Hubs, not shopping, riding.

When am I going to ride?
Do I want to ride?
This will be angst, part 2.

Cause I'm Resting

http://zenhabits.net/2010/03/rest-one-day/

Help is on the way!

How does one pick a "word"? Well, it's not science but there are a few things to think about. The purpose of the word is to remind you of your greater goals. And a word to help you overcome inertia, if that what tends to hold you back, as it is in my case. And if it makes you smile  a little, even if wryly, that much the better.
For example, let's say you want to lose weight and you find yourself snacking even if you aren't really hungry. Research shows that delaying yourself for fifteen minutes often allows you to skip the snack.  So here are some words to consider:
"wait"- I like it because it it reminds you to wait and is a play on "weight".
"away"- because it reminds you to go away for a minute, has the sound of "weigh", and reminds you of your love to travel "away"
"desire"- is it really your desire to to eat now? Do you desire to lose weight more?
That's the starting point...

Eye Candy

Just A Pack of Cards

I am excited to see Alice in Wonderland.
I am not a huge Tim Burton fan, and I like Johnny Depp

 (he and Keith Richards in Pirates...how perfect were they?)
 enough, and the characters- the Mad Hatter, the White Rabbit, the Cheshire cat- but it's the story, Alice's story that I love so much. It's very Women Who Run With the Wolves (which should be required reading for every woman).
She falls down a dark hole. Things are tempting, nothing seems quite right. Others behave in strange, sometimes cruel ways. She's attacked for being who she is. Then, Alice's realization: You're all just a pack of cards! And she wakes up, herself, in a normal world.

It's a reminder to me that we often give things power over us, especially when in a dark, deep  place- that when we remember who we truly are, we are returned home, and those things that seemed so overwhelming? Why, they were just a pack of cards, scattered leaves in the wind.

One Word

One of the bloggers I read, Ali Edwards, picks a word for every year. Her word for this year was nurture. It made me wonder about what my word would be and after some deliberation, I came up with: GO

As in GO
to the barn
do the dishes
to Bar
to study
to work
make dinner
to the dog park
to the gym...

all the things that it is easier to just stay at rest rather than in motion.
What is your word?

What I have learned so far

Hubs said he felt the same way about this month as I did. That made me feel better. Dave Ramsey even says that  it takes a few months to get the hang of the zero budgeting.
You know what has inspired me though? You, my friends. Rainbow Brite told me she felt inspired when she cleaned her closet and more thoughtful when buying. Almond Roca said if I had more spending sprees, she'd use the bar on me if I bought more  a la Lululemon. (Umm thanks, I think.) One of the moms I know told me she switched to cash only purchases after we talked about zero spending.
Here is some stuff that I've read and found helpful:
1. Pay with cash. It is hard to part with.
2. Eat before you shop. Don't shop when you or any member of your party is tired, crabby or emotional.
3. Make a list, literally, plus what you think it may cost (even just mentally) - esp at places like Target.
4. Put the small items in first, with a running total in your head, before putting in the large items. It's easy to justify adding a bunch of little things after committing to buy something big. I'm not sure why.
5. Don't be afraid to "abandon ship" and leave stuff in your cart, virtual or real. I have left my cart behind and carried the few items I really needed to checkout. Is it rude? Maybe. But it's my cash.
6. Don't think "I can return it." Think, "I can purchase it later if I need it." because you want to
7. Stay out of stores. Like Oscar Wilde, I can resist anything except temptation, so why be tempted?
8. It seems paradoxic, but build in rewards, big and small. I noticed that it's at the end of the month that it is hardest to stick to the budget. For March, we planned for this.
9. Overbudget, underspend. It's rewarding.
10. Be accountable to others.