Getting My Heels Down

Reluctantly, I've been riding.
Last week, I had a flat lesson with advanced riders and then a jumping lesson with the Cowboy Trainer. Papoose was riding with  the Assistant. I jumped, and jumped okay. Towards the end, a large squeaking semi drove by- Hads spooked. I crouched, listened to Cowboy Trainer yelling to sit up, sat up, Hads calmed down, spooked again, I crouched and sat up again. Papoose called it "Hadley going cuckoo.Mommy leaned, didn't lean, leaned and then sat up" I got a lecture on sitting up...Papoose went on to jump and do a better job than me, even if at one point, her horse looked to the jump because the trainers were pointing at it and took her over. "She's a brave kid," said my Trainer, probably thinking,"Must take after her dad."
Over the weekend, I kept repeating to myself, "I am a capable and confident rider. I am brave." And visualizing sitting up and easily regaining control. I tried to feel like what it would be like to push my seat into the saddle (but not to get him to move forward, as he is dressage trained and pushing down and forward is a dressage cue to move up)- just sinking down firmly.
I reluctantly went to the barn today. I tried playing upbeat, happy music, pushing my rear into the car seat to practice that grounded feeling. I've still been having some back pain, so I asked Cowboy Trainer for some advice- I mean he is after all, an expert. His advice surprised me- he pointed out I could be carrying nervous tension in my low back- tightening the muscles, pinching with the knees. It seems so obvious but it was one of those lightbulb moments- my own nervousness causing my back pain and no doubt making Hadley uncomfortable. I rode with the advanced riders again. We did an interesting exercise of feet out of the stirrups, toes down, toes up, then lift our knees up without pinching, without balancing on the horses' necks. That was super hard, because it is all primary hip flexors- no secondary muscles. I've got some work to do- but so did the advanced riders. Thank you Bar!
We began jumping. I worked on keeping my heels down, my back relaxed and knees not pinching. I rode with Had's rhythm. For really the first time, I could see the distances- the point the horse has to start jumping to clear the fence- and I could go with him. One time, I could see the distance- that it was too close to put in an extra step and we'd have to take it long. In the past, this is where Hads would have stopped and I would have unceremoniously continued, but I just stayed still, and he took care of me- he took it long and big- so big I got a little left behind, but we were okay. "Your horse was brave and you went with him," Trainer said.
But it gets better- Hads spooked at another big semi (it's weird, only some of them seem to scare him).This time, my visualizing helped. I sat up, he came back to me, and the fear and panic that normally wash over me were absent. I was a capable and confident rider. We reorganized and did the jumps (2'3" feet, I might add) fairly well. And my back is a lot less sore.
So I guess it paid off to persevere- I had an incredible high seeing the distances and going with Hadley. It was great to feel capable, competent and confident. I want to do it again- to have that Flashdance feeling again.
Now I remember why I like to ride.